A brand spanking new marriage.

When a couple enters into a marriage they are bringing the values and beliefs from two separate families together to form a new family. Often a spouse will not completely separate themselves from their parents and will lean on them over their new husband or wife. When this happens their spouse may feel that they are not trusted or are lacking something when in reality it is just a simple matter of fully leaving the parent and completely binding themselves to their new spouse.

It is a command from the Lord that we leave our parents, and as the scripture in Genesis 2:24 says "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife:and they shall be one flesh." we must leave our parents and become one with our new husband or wife to create a new family. When the Lord said that a man was to leave his family, it was not meant to be taken as completely cutting himself off from his family and not speaking to them anymore, but to confide in and be one with his new wife.

Once the couple has separated themselves from their parents they need to make sure that the parents know that they still matter but that the new couple will be making decisions together and that their needs come before the parents. A new couple needs time to figure out their plans for a family, jobs and school and that those decisions are to be made by them but that it is ok for a parent to offer words of encouragement when times are rough. When the couple expresses their needs to the parents, and the parents understand, the couple is able to create a strong bond with the in-laws while staying true to each other and the new family that they have created.

New marriages are wonderful and need to be nourished solely but husband and wife, but care needs to be taken to not hurt parents when the need for inclusion arises. When a couple has separated themselves from their mother and father, and have become one, they are able to safeguard themselves from outside sources that seek to destroy the marriage. Marriage is wonderful and blessed by the Lord when the couple becomes "one flesh"(Genesis 2:24). The devil seeks to destroy marriages in any way possible and educating ourselves and working hard for a better marriage will help build up the kingdom of God in our homes and the sacred bonds of marriages.

Unity

When a couple is not united, the marriage and family will suffer. Disciplining a child, how to spend the extra money and what movies are ok or not are some examples of situations when a couple needs to be unified. Even the small and simple things need to be addressed with both husband and wife aligning themselves for the good of the family unit. Unity is marriage is key to fighting off contention and disrespect because both husband and wife understand their rightful and sacred roles in the family and see that they both need to work together to reach a conclusion that will uphold the sacred morals and standards of the family.

Parents have a sacred responsibility to love and cherish their spouse and to raise their children to the Lord, and when a husband or wife argues for their own goals and ideas, the family will suffer. Prideful behavior in a marriage keeps a couple from being united with each other and the Lord. The selfish desires of a person should be cast out before harm is brought to the marriage. Practicing charity and always striving for Christlike service and love through prayer, scripture study and asking the Lord for a change of heart will help fight off the desire to act as the natural man who seeks for the good of his own and none else. As humans we will fall and then suffer until we are able to pick ourselves up and work towards the bettering of the marriage and family. We are on this earth to learn and prove ourselves to the Lord and his son. We can through education and action show our Father above that we are working hard to become like him. When we seek the will of the Lord and repent of our failings we are blessed in our efforts.

When a council of the church comes together to discuss actions for the church they do not yell, argue, disrespect or intend to hurt those around them and the same standard should be held for the home. A husband should lead the family council but should also treat his wife with respect and allow her to speak and share the promptings that come to her. Always striving to have the Spirit of the Lord with us in our decision making process will bless our homes and marriages. We will be able to cast away any selfish feelings that would lead to losing unity in the sacred bond of marriage. Husband and wife are equal and have the right to share their feelings as a they pertain to the marriage and family decision making.

The Lord rejoices when a couple is able to be unified in every action they make. It shows that they care for and deeply love each other, the Lord and the sacred covenants that they have made together for time and all eternity. Unity is marriage is special and sacred and will ultimately lead to the strengthening of the marriage and family. We can have unity in our marriages if we but only try our best to work with our spouse while seeking the will of our Father in Heaven.

Intimacy is Sacred God Ordained

During courtship, a couple should pay special attention to preparing for the intimate part of marriage. Too often a husband a wife will fall into a downward spiral because of the lack of knowledge about the mental, spiritual and physical aspects of intimacy in marriage. Many members of the church are not aware that intimacy is not solely for procreation. It is a God ordained and sacred act for the use of procreation and the growing of the loving bond of man and wife. Husband and wife need to spend time together to make sure that the sexual needs of the body are fulfilled in the sacred bounds of marriage.

When a spouse does not get their needs met in their marriage, often one of them will turn to an outside source for fulfillment. Some spouses do not even realize that they are being unfaithful. Lunch with a co-worker twice a week or texting a friend of the opposite sex are examples of infidelity in marriage. When a spouse is starting to become distant from their spouse and spending more time with others they are putting the needs of themselves above their spouse. We are commanded to 'cleave' to our spouse and only them. No TV, hobby or event is more important than our spouse.

Intimacy brings man and wife close through the physical act in private and the small and simple things done throughout the rest of the day. When a couple does not spend time romancing and dating each other outside of the sacred intimate act, the marriage struggles and the relationship starts to fall apart. Marriage is more than just physical intimacy and we need to educate ourselves so that we are able to meet the needs of our spouse and ourselves. Intimacy is sacred and a gift to us within the bonds of lawful marriage. If we make an effort to work on our marriage or prepare ourselves for marriage we will be blessed and the trials of intimacy in marriage will be few. We have the responsibility and commandment to multiply and replenish the earth and the best way to start is to educate ourselves and prepare for the marriage as early as we can or to better the marriage that we already have. 

Charity

As members of the Church, we are always taught that Charity is the pure love of Christ. In a marriage when charity is not present, selfishness and pride take over and whither down the once beautiful relationship. Charity is being able to put your spouse's needs first and think of them in a more Christlike manner. Are they happy? Is he doing well with the stresses of work? Can I help her out by taking on more of the housework? There are so many ways to practice being Christlike in a marriage, but we tend to focus more on the negatives instead of the many blessings that come from the sacrifice and hard work in marriage.

If we put our trust in the Lord and are constantly praying to see our spouse the way that the Lord does, we will be able to practice Charity and grow our love for our spouse and the Lord. We cannot love the Lord with all of our heart if we are hating and judging others for the mistakes that they make. We are not perfect and we should not be acting as if we are. If we do, we need to repent and ask the Lord for forgiveness and the strength to do better. We do not have the right to judge and cast others aside just because they tripped up with something in their life. When we practice charity, all the mistakes that those around us make will not matter to us anymore. We will be so focused on making sure that others are taken care of, comforted and loved that we do not see the faults anymore.

As humans, we tend to rely on ourselves and put our own interests first. When this attitude enters a marriage, fights and arguments will ensue. If we work on how we approach disagreements and look for the cries of help from our spouse, we will see that most of the arguments are based on a lack of understanding which leads to defensiveness. Spending time trying to understand why our spouse disagrees with a particular decision gives us a chance to dig deeper into their mind and heart and to find the dreams that are backing the negative behavior and emotions. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work(2015) Dr. Gottman explains that couple will experience what he calls "Gridlock"(pg 238) when the dreams and aspirations of each person are not understood by their spouse. A good way to overcome this "gridlock" is to work together through listening and asking questions that pertain to the disagreement.

Actively seeking to understand and working on finding middle ground in a disagreement will help the couple become closer and learn more about each other's dreams and goals for their family. We can have a wonderful marriage if we ask for the Lord's help and work hard to alway practice charity and seek to understand each other.

Conflict will arise.

When conflict arises in marriage one of two things will happen, either the couple will work to fix the problem with love and laughter, or they will fight and make the situation worse. The best way to solve a problem is to see the other person as Christ would, to show love and understanding while addressing the situation.

As humans we are bound to make many mistakes, often in times of conflict we are not able to think clearly and we are unable to keep that Christlike love for our spouse in our heart. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work(2015), Dr Gottman explains that with a "soft start-up"(pg, 162) couples can better their chances of successfully resolving the problem without causing defensiveness and negativity. A 'Soft Start-up' is approaching the issue with an "I don't like doing all of this housework alone. Would you please help me?" instead of a "Why don't you ever listen to me? I just want you to do what you said you would but you have to sit there like a lazy dog!!". Starting off a conversation with sensitivity and respect will help the couple stay calm and will benefit them in the long run whereas throwing negative emotions and yelling will cause the spouse to feel attacked and disrespected.

While the Lord was on the earth. He spent time with the hurt and the righteous and helped everyone in between. He did not care who was from what background because He was here to help, lift and to teach and bring those around him to the Gospel and to repentance. When we have the mindset of, 'They are learning, I need to be careful about what I say and I need to remember the love I have for him/her' we are acting in accordance with the Lord's teachings of forgiveness and love. So often the world clouds our judgement and causes us to lose sight of who we all are and the sacred and special purposes that we have in this life. Through constant prayer and an attitude of forgiveness and love we can lessen our chances of hurting others and can keep the Lord at the center of our marriage.

When we put our lives into the hands of our Father in Heaven, we are obeying the Law of Consecration. We are spending our time and efforts on the bettering of the world and are putting the Plan of Salvation at the top of our list of priorities. The Lord's work will be done by the righteous and  if we strive to serve Him in all that we do we can fulfill His commandment to love everyone and to forgive those who hurt us. Keeping Christ as the center of our marriage will bring us closer to our Father above and our spouse and we will be able to set an example for those who are watching what we do. Our children will see all of our efforts and they will learn and grow to love the Lord. If we always strive to starve the Lord and each other we will be blessed in ways incomprehensible to us. We will gain the riches of the Lord if but only do our best to always improve.      

Pride

Throughout the scriptures, Pride is mentioned as a serious sin that has caused many problems and destroyed relationships. It is a sin that holds on tightly to its victims and is very hard to break free from. When pride enters a marriage both the husband and wife suffer. Because of pride, couples can grow apart over time and ultimately the marriage will fail if the sin is not addressed.

A lot of the worlds ideas today are about doing things for yourself and spending as much time as possible treating yourself to the many pleasures of the world with no regard to those around you. Taking care of oneself and being selfish are two totally different things. Taking care of oneself is about working out, doing hobbies and taking a break every so often to help release stress. Selfish and prideful actions are about backing out when times get hard, putting too much emphasis on "me time" and pushing our loved ones away to spend time and money in a way that only benefits them. This behavior is very toxic in marriage and sadly there are many couples who suffer from of it.

When a spouse becomes prideful, their thoughts and words are not longer positive and uplifting, but selfish and demeaning. They will argue that their needs are not being met and that it is the fault of their significant other. These childish thoughts and actions are contrary to the Lord's plan for us. He has commanded that we put in the effort and always be ready to work hard and help those around us. A prideful attitude will hurt those in your life if it stands uncorrected. Working to change your behavior and repenting of the sinful actions and thoughts are the best ways to change and cast off pride. It is possible to change but it will only happen when the heart is changed and humility replaces pride and one asked the Lord to help soften their heart.

In Dr Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work(2015) Dr Gottman explained that often in marriage, husbands and wives will disregard their spouses advice and wishes. They will do what they please without even thinking of what their significant other might say about the situation. Whether it is a simple change to the family schedule or a large purchase at the store, some people will do what they please even when they should be counseling with their spouse. Dr Gottman also explained that after an extensive study of "130 newlywed couples... when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is a 81 percent chance that the marriage will self-destruct"(pg, 116) Not allowing your spouse's influence to guide you to be better and to hold on to your standards is a form of pride. The selfish actions can cause strain on the marriage and will ruin the sacred trust that has been built up over the years.

Doing our best to always have our spouses interests in mind will strengthen our marriage and bring us close to our Father in heaven through selfless actions and thoughts. Being selfless is the ultimate form of Christlike love. The Lord in his time on this earth spent his days being selfless through helping anyone who came along. He did not pass up an opportunity to serve. If we strive to have the same mindset in our marriages, we will surely cast off any chances of becoming prideful. We will strengthen our marriage and the love that we have for our Father in Heaven and our spouse will grow.

Choices

2 Nephi 2:23-25 explains that because of the actions of Adam and Eve, every being on this earth has the chance to learn and grow, to experience pain and joy and to gain a body to create a family unit. This action led to our current state. We would no be here if it were not for their choices. We would not be able to participate in marriage, bringing children into the world and learning from our actions. We have this wonderful life to spend learning and growing with our spouse, to become close and to learn all that we can of each other. In this life, there will be pain but there will also be happiness.

When we put the Lord first, we are able to withstand the trials and temptations that come our way in marriage. In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage(Goddard, 2009) Dr Goddard talks about how having Faith in the Lord in marriage can give the couple a "Eternal Perspective"(pg, 57). The Lord has given us trial in life to build us up and to help us become like Him. When we face them challenges with a heart turned to the Lord, we are able to grow and become closer to our spouse. Our Ftaher in Heaven did not decide to send us to this earth to hurt us. We are here to become better ourselves and to build a bond between husband and wife that will last through the eternities.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work(Gottman, 2015) Dr Gottman explains that when trials come up in marriage, we need to make sure to communicate with our spouse and give each other the chance to vent and verbalized challenges even when we are not quite comfortable with it. When our spouse needs to talk, we need to make sure that we are ready to listen and that all of our focus is on them. We cannot help anyone who is struggling by trying to solve the problems because those problems are their's, not ours and we cannot help if we are butting in and saying what we think is best. We should make it our focus to ensure that the spouse knows that "When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen"(pg, 103). The best way to focus on your spouse while they need you to listen is to be Christlike. Be warm and comforting, listen to help build them up and let them open up and always take their side. Dr Gottman says that we need to "Take our spouses side by ...expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable"(pg, 100).

When Christ was on the earth, He did not shame those who sinned, He was here to heal those in need and to teach and listen. The Lord gave us the perfect example on how to love one another and take their side in times of trouble. Serving our spouses through listening and putting their needs before ours will ultimately lead to a better marriage and build an unbreakable bond that will be the foundation to help us withstand trials that come our way. The choice is ours to be selfless and to center our focus and faith in the Lord. Our marriage will be stronger if we make the choice to put the Lord and our spouse above our needs and to always try to better the relationship in all ways with both of them.