Pride

Throughout the scriptures, Pride is mentioned as a serious sin that has caused many problems and destroyed relationships. It is a sin that holds on tightly to its victims and is very hard to break free from. When pride enters a marriage both the husband and wife suffer. Because of pride, couples can grow apart over time and ultimately the marriage will fail if the sin is not addressed.

A lot of the worlds ideas today are about doing things for yourself and spending as much time as possible treating yourself to the many pleasures of the world with no regard to those around you. Taking care of oneself and being selfish are two totally different things. Taking care of oneself is about working out, doing hobbies and taking a break every so often to help release stress. Selfish and prideful actions are about backing out when times get hard, putting too much emphasis on "me time" and pushing our loved ones away to spend time and money in a way that only benefits them. This behavior is very toxic in marriage and sadly there are many couples who suffer from of it.

When a spouse becomes prideful, their thoughts and words are not longer positive and uplifting, but selfish and demeaning. They will argue that their needs are not being met and that it is the fault of their significant other. These childish thoughts and actions are contrary to the Lord's plan for us. He has commanded that we put in the effort and always be ready to work hard and help those around us. A prideful attitude will hurt those in your life if it stands uncorrected. Working to change your behavior and repenting of the sinful actions and thoughts are the best ways to change and cast off pride. It is possible to change but it will only happen when the heart is changed and humility replaces pride and one asked the Lord to help soften their heart.

In Dr Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work(2015) Dr Gottman explained that often in marriage, husbands and wives will disregard their spouses advice and wishes. They will do what they please without even thinking of what their significant other might say about the situation. Whether it is a simple change to the family schedule or a large purchase at the store, some people will do what they please even when they should be counseling with their spouse. Dr Gottman also explained that after an extensive study of "130 newlywed couples... when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is a 81 percent chance that the marriage will self-destruct"(pg, 116) Not allowing your spouse's influence to guide you to be better and to hold on to your standards is a form of pride. The selfish actions can cause strain on the marriage and will ruin the sacred trust that has been built up over the years.

Doing our best to always have our spouses interests in mind will strengthen our marriage and bring us close to our Father in heaven through selfless actions and thoughts. Being selfless is the ultimate form of Christlike love. The Lord in his time on this earth spent his days being selfless through helping anyone who came along. He did not pass up an opportunity to serve. If we strive to have the same mindset in our marriages, we will surely cast off any chances of becoming prideful. We will strengthen our marriage and the love that we have for our Father in Heaven and our spouse will grow.

Choices

2 Nephi 2:23-25 explains that because of the actions of Adam and Eve, every being on this earth has the chance to learn and grow, to experience pain and joy and to gain a body to create a family unit. This action led to our current state. We would no be here if it were not for their choices. We would not be able to participate in marriage, bringing children into the world and learning from our actions. We have this wonderful life to spend learning and growing with our spouse, to become close and to learn all that we can of each other. In this life, there will be pain but there will also be happiness.

When we put the Lord first, we are able to withstand the trials and temptations that come our way in marriage. In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage(Goddard, 2009) Dr Goddard talks about how having Faith in the Lord in marriage can give the couple a "Eternal Perspective"(pg, 57). The Lord has given us trial in life to build us up and to help us become like Him. When we face them challenges with a heart turned to the Lord, we are able to grow and become closer to our spouse. Our Ftaher in Heaven did not decide to send us to this earth to hurt us. We are here to become better ourselves and to build a bond between husband and wife that will last through the eternities.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work(Gottman, 2015) Dr Gottman explains that when trials come up in marriage, we need to make sure to communicate with our spouse and give each other the chance to vent and verbalized challenges even when we are not quite comfortable with it. When our spouse needs to talk, we need to make sure that we are ready to listen and that all of our focus is on them. We cannot help anyone who is struggling by trying to solve the problems because those problems are their's, not ours and we cannot help if we are butting in and saying what we think is best. We should make it our focus to ensure that the spouse knows that "When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen"(pg, 103). The best way to focus on your spouse while they need you to listen is to be Christlike. Be warm and comforting, listen to help build them up and let them open up and always take their side. Dr Gottman says that we need to "Take our spouses side by ...expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable"(pg, 100).

When Christ was on the earth, He did not shame those who sinned, He was here to heal those in need and to teach and listen. The Lord gave us the perfect example on how to love one another and take their side in times of trouble. Serving our spouses through listening and putting their needs before ours will ultimately lead to a better marriage and build an unbreakable bond that will be the foundation to help us withstand trials that come our way. The choice is ours to be selfless and to center our focus and faith in the Lord. Our marriage will be stronger if we make the choice to put the Lord and our spouse above our needs and to always try to better the relationship in all ways with both of them.

Strength through action

As children of a Heavenly Father, we have the opportunity on this earth to prove to ourselves and our Eternal Father that we have been able to cast off the natural man and are worthy of eternal life with our Father above. Even when we try our best, sometimes we are unable to keep a happy attitude and have faith in our Lord. When trials come into our lives, as humans we tend to put our focus on what we need and may shut out the needs of others. Selfishness isn't something that people strive for but rather something that we fall back on when times become rough. We think that being selfish will protect us when trials that test us arise. The natural man may not want to change this attitude which can in turn ruin good relationships. Sadly many people often don't see their selfishness as a bad thing. One may think that those around them want to tear them down just because they are not at the same level. This selfish way of life causes harm to many marriages. Some couples are able to step back and see the problems and them choose to work hard for the bettering of their relationship and others only see what they want and ultimately destroy any chances of a healthy marriage.

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman (2015) , Dr. Gottman explains that there are ways to strengthen a marriage. One of the ways listed is to work on what he calls, our "Love Map"(pg 53). These "Love Maps" are our knowledge of our spouse and their interests and desires. He explains that these "Love Maps" can help build our marriage and also determine how much more time we need to spend with our partner learning about them. The first step is to do the "Love Maps Questionnaire"(56) This questionnaire is meant to help a couple understand how much they know about each other while giving them a chance to communicate about themselves and their desires for the marriage. This questionnaire is the start of three exercises that a couple can do over their course of their marriage as many times as they can. These activities are a way to practice being selfless while becoming closer to your spouse. Investing valuable time in the strengthening of one's marriage is one of the best ways to fight off selfishness. Using these activities and studying the scriptures along with temple attendance and prayer will help couples become closer to the Lord and each other. Marriage is a sacred relationship that many people do not get to have. The opportunity to be married should give us all the desire to do everything that we can to keep work on our marriage in every way possible. Temple marriage is a blessing that will span into the eternities. Working hard to strengthen our relationship with the Lord and our spouse will bring satisfaction and also bless us in times of trial.             

Is divorce on the horizon?

In the book The Seven Principles for making Marriage work Dr Gottman teaches about the research methods for determining whether or not a couple will divorce. After years of research and hundreds of couples spending time in what is called the "Love Lab" Dr Gottman and his team have found out that over time, what he calls "The Four Horseman" will take a told on the marriage and can ultimately lead to divorce if the couple does not seek to change their relationship for the better. One of the "Four Horsemen" that stood out to me was Criticism. Dr. Gottman explains that even though one will always have complaints about their spouse, which is normal for every couple, some couples will be critical and that will cause feelings to be hurt and the problem that was originally supposed to be solved, has not been solved, but just made worse. Growing up in the Church I always heard about how we need to put our trust in the Lord and criticize less because of the harm it may cause others. I understood it to a point but since I have read about the 'Four Horsemen", I have been able to see why critisism is such a problem. The research that Dr. Gottman and his team have done is all aligning with the teachings of the Gospel and how to be more Christlike.  

Dr. Gottman has also given the final steps to what he calls "The death knell of a relationship". 

The final step stood out to me because of what it entails, loneliness. The devil will never get a chance to have a marriage and family so he seeks to ruin anything related to such. Loneliness is what the devil feels and it can never be changed because of the choice that he has made. Fortunately, every person on this earth has the right and chance to change for the better. We should all be striving to do everything in our power to build up our marriages and to fortify them for the future. Loneliness is something that no one wants to feel. As a single woman I often feel loneliness because I do not have the companionship of a man in my life right now, but learning all that I can now to prepare myself and my future marriage is the best course of action for me at this current time. The world is only going to get worse and will get to the point that marriage and family will be laughed at and judged. We as members need to properly educate ourselves and prepare for those days when the devil will do everything in his power to wipe the sacred bond of man and wife from the earth. If we are prepared we can keep our marriage alive and avoid the awful feeling of loneliness that the devil will always bare.